In her own words...

Perfect life?

2006-03-14T10:44:00.000-06:00

I've been reading through my old journals lately. It's funny how often those notebooks turn in to a weak excuse to vent. I complain, I whine, I cry out to God. Now I will admit, this last year of my life has been tough. I did have a lot of mountains to climb. And yet, how bad do I have it really? I live in the richest country in the world, I have a wonderful education, I am blessed beyond measure to have great parents, my finances are in order, at this point I am dealing with no health problems. In theory, these blessings should take a weight off my shoulders. They should provide me with 'joy overflowing'. Why all the complaints?

Life is never perfect. We all struggle. We all hurt. And because individual hearts are different, I don't think it is fair of me to compare people's pain. Late at night I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I were born in the third world. My thoughts don't fall so much on differences physically, but how my heart would feel. I wouldn't have access to the amazing literature I cherish so well. I would not play the flute, though I'd no doubt be a musician. I may not be able to adjust the thermostat at the slightest hint of discomfort. Outwardly, physically, it would suck. And yet, I have a strange sense that I might be more content. Why?

Why is it that a people who seem to have everything regularly pop more antidepressants and seek more shrinks than ever? I think we know something isn't cutting it. The media repeatedly tells us that if we only have the perfect body, perfect car, perfect gadget, perfect job..... and this all keeps us quite busy I might add.....but will all that really lead to the perfect life?

I am beginning to believe that perfection lies specifically in the imperfections. Life is not about stuff; it is about people. And when we are weak, when things go wrong, when we suffer, when we fail...this is when we really need each other. During my outwardly hardest moments, my journals are full of hope. My heart is full.

We were created as relational beings. Though I like to think I can do absolutely anything, I know I am not supposed to. We aren't meant to take this journey on our own. Life is not an opportunity to satisfy ones ego. Now I do relish the feeling of adding to my accomplishments, but I also recognize its tendency to isolate. The American dream can become the worst part of hell. True life, I think, is lived in groups, in relationships -- through community. Life should be spent together.

As a citizen of the great nation of America, I can definitely say it is lonely at the top.

Dealing with Rejection…

2005-12-07T20:05:00.000-06:00

Earlier this week, right after Thanksgiving, I was fired from my lab job. Now, before you freak out, I did absolutely nothing wrong. And I’m not just saying that. Everyone else in the office said so. Apparently my boss is a very strange man and does things like that now and then. Though he gave me time off, he expected me to have been there.

I have had many interesting jobs over the years, but I’ve never actually been fired before. It’s horrible!!! The circumstances made no difference in regards to how it made me feel. Everyone saying it’s “not me” didn't keep me from going to the restroom to cry. And the frustrating part is that he then told me not to leave now! I am to work the rest of the month until he finds someone else he wants.

I hate that this kind of thing happens so much in relationships. One person knows it’s over, but is too scared to end things. Perhaps they don’t want to be alone. So they just drag things out until something better comes along. Ever gotten the whole “It’s not you….It’s me.” speech? Well, that may be the truth, but it doesn’t make things any less painful.

Rejection sucks. We all want to fit in. We don’t want to be told we’re not good enough. We do whatever we have to in order to avoid it. It is amazing the lengths people will go to, the trials they will endure, only to be a part of the group.

The funny thing is, many of us don’t want to stand out on either side. We frantically strive for that mediocre middle, where everyone looks the same, dresses the same, drives the same silver car, and lives life exactly the same. We're desperately hoping to be lost in the crowd. Personal ‘callings’, individuality, and unique talents are ignored. Differences are seen as negative qualities. We cannot risk being a disappointment. We must do things and become people that look like everyone else.

It's a tragedy. Think about it....How many people are withering away in a life that says nothing about them-- too afraid to be who they really are on the inside, too afraid to do and create the things they've always dreamed of? I think we're all missing out as a result. So much unimaginable beauty must be destroyed every day!

I worry about rejection. It’s funny in a way, because I am most careful about those things I know I am good at or passionate about. Some things are so uniquely me that I want to hold and protect them inside. For instance, I will do anything I can to get out of playing flute in worship bands. I feel vulnerable, scared that people will think I’m ‘bad’, and yet it is what I spend 6 hours a day cultivating!! Crazy! But because it is so important to me, I fear rejection there the most. That was a superficial example, but we all have things that are much deeper and more precious. And we hide them away, or try and ignore that nagging, unsettling feeling they produce inside. We convince ourselves we’re happy; staying too busy to think in hopes that one day they’ll be gone.

But is this the life you really want? Do you really want that inner nagging to go away? As much as I hate that nagging, I don't want it to go away. It keeps me wanting to really live.

I get crazy ideas about life: places I could go, paths I could take. Voices lately have been telling me those things are impractical. One has to live. “You need to get a good job.” Sometimes I just want to run away and do relief work on the other side of the world. Is that a cop out? Maybe you’ll say I’m just young and idealistic. *Smile* Maybe I am.

girls

2005-12-05T22:56:00.000-06:00

Today I've been thinking a lot about all the wonderful women in my life. Over the last ten years I have lived in many many different cities, and each place has brought new relationships that have touched me in huge ways. You girls have all been there for me through some deep stuff. I realize just how much a treasure you are.
I know we're all growing up and our lives are taking vastly different paths, but it is a nice thought to know that you'll always have your girlfriends. To Jen, Jinah, Emily, Jessica, Orla, Diana, Jillian....I love you girls! =)

random late night thoughts....

2005-12-05T02:37:00.000-06:00

It is about 3am and I cannot sleep. My mind is racing. Life just seems crazy right now. It’s hard. It’s frustrating, and yet nothing is in focus. So much is up in the air. I feel like everything is just hanging by a thread.
In many ways things don’t appear difficult on the surface, and yet I continue to spend hours in discontent. I am living with a horrible nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, questioning everything. I don’t even know what to cling to for help anymore. Why am I unhappy? What is this that I feel?
I do have some big decisions coming up. I know they are right across the horizon. I've been preparing for them for some time now, but it's as if all my preparations have just vanished. I don't know what happened. And I almost don't have the energy to care. I am sick and tired of waiting, preparing, pushing. Has all this been for nothing? Is it all a lie? I am feeling so beat up that I am doubting my ability to make it even that far. And what am I to do when this big epiphany supposedly comes? I won’t have any energy left to care!
Or maybe it won't come at all...and I'll just be left a cynic like every body else...

Hey, my life is not that bad. It's actually supposed to be good. I have a good job. I'm healthy. A few weeks ago I met an amazing guy. We are getting to know each other. I am in the process of getting back into music. I live in a wonderful community, and am surrounded by fabulous people. Life seems great, right? Lord, I don't think I did anything wrong. Then what’s wrong with me?! Why the discontent? If all is so great, why does it suck?

Too many questions...too early in the morning...

CCM Flute Christmas Party 2005

2005-12-05T02:09:00.000-06:00

worship

2005-10-03T13:35:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the most incredible worship experience. I love being a part of a diverse group of individuals who are willing to take a risk and experience Jesus in a new way. For most of us, the culmination included worshiping in freedom with instrument and voice. I know for me it was a risk even to stand up and move around a little. I risked looking foolish in front of my friends. But when I let myself go, really let myself go, I stopped caring. I no longer saw anyone else in the room. I just felt Him.

This morning I had two reflections on the event:

1. Some days I go to church and don’t really feel like worshipping. I feel if I stand to sing it will be contrived and fake, so I prefer to sit and take in the words. My worship time is often spent trying to bring my soul into the presence of God, to dwell in His presence. Now I think that is a good thing too, but today I was struck by the fact that I don’t dwell in that place more often. I realized last night how little of my life is spent in actual worship. When I go to church and the worship set starts, I should already be there. Now I try to serve others and do my work for His glory, but I admit it takes a conscious effort. Why is it such a struggle? Too often, I get bogged down with temptations, deadlines, and my own silly fears. I know that stuff is all worthless, and yet it still causes me to stumble. It takes a ring on my finger to remind myself that I am His bride. I battle daily to live that out, but so often I fail!
Jesus, I truly desire all that I am to be given to you. Forgive me for the times I get tired, apathetic, or just too busy for You. Forgive me for all the hours I spend in worship of everything other than you.

2. On another note, perhaps my “not feeling it” is more my fault than I realize. When I even utter those words, I seem to cast blame on some invisible outside force. It is out of my control. I can’t do anything about it. Might as well give up.
I am starting to think that, too, is a bunch of crap.

Last night I was not “feeling it” at the beginning. I had already been to one service and spent much of the afternoon reading scripture. I had surpassed my daily quota. I was worshipped out.
As I cast out all my excuses and forced myself to stand up and grab an instrument, I began to experience something incredibly powerful. Freedom. Joyous freedom.

I think I had been holding myself back. Growing up in church over the years, worship has come to have a specific meaning to me. It has become routine, but I think deep down I know it has to be much more. Maybe I have gotten scared to go beyond the limits of what is "safe". I have a sense that worship should be risky. But I think in Christ we often experience only as much as we allow ourselves to.
How much is my own experience in worship limited by fear? How much am I missing out on because I'm too scared to take that next risk?

music

2005-09-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

There is something so amazing, so breathtaking, about music. One cannot even begin to describe its beauty…

I had the most incredible day today. I spent all afternoon playing my flute in the big gathering room upstairs. The windows were open, and I enjoyed hearing the sounds float up and down the street.

I feel closer to God when I play than almost any other time. My flute is the medium through which the Holy Spirit speaks to my soul and vice versa. It is so sacred; no one can take it away from me. I can be in the midst of chaos, and yet feel like I am playing only for Him.

This afternoon as I went through my etudes and repertoire, my music was talking to God. It spoke of this year, it prayed for this community, and it earnestly lifted up this house. I let go of things I might never pray out loud. We talked all afternoon. Man I felt His pleasure today. And it overwhelmed me…

Sometimes I feel frustrated because I cannot communicate the love I feel for Jesus. He gave up his life for a messed up woman like me. When I dwell on that, the words ‘I love you’ seem so inadequate. In prayer or worship the frustration can often bring tears. Listening to music is not the same. At best, I can be silent. But when I create, my heart speaks. What I cannot possibly express in words, I know I can play.

Thank you for music..

(playing..)
"I love you Lord.
And I lift my voice
to worship You
all my soul rejoice.

Take joy my King
in what you hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound
in your ear."

What happens if I'm not in control?

2005-09-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us--that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace.

We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek."
-Brennan Manning

So easily written, yet so hard to do. I often reflect on these words in times of feeling unsettled. Today I was struck by these words in particular....People for whom God is everything....I desperately strive for this goal, yet my heart betrays me. I identify so well with the boy's father when he said, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" A war is raging inside of me.

You see, I am a woman who likes to be in control. All my phobias have to do with letting go. I hated the slip-and-slide when I was young. Skiing made me nervous because I‘d get going too fast. Sometimes I get so scared I shake. My greatest fear is being out of control.

Last year God did a great deal in my life. I was involved in a lot of leadership; challenged to take risks and make sacrifices. I experienced things I never had before. I was willing to be different, to live on the edge. But in the height of those experiences, in the most intense moments, I remember fear being present.

Today I spent some serious time reflecting and listening to God. I was hit over the head with the conviction that I am scared to death of the Holy Spirit. Yeah, you heard me. Scared. I'm scared of what might happen if I truly let Him take over, completely relinquishing control of my future. I sense this is nothing close to what God wants to do in my life. That thought makes me nervous.

God, I'm willing to forego the American dream, to give up a life of wealth and comfort in the suburbs, even to spend three months living on a garbage dump on the other side of the world. What more could You possibly want?!!

Maybe it's like the slip-and-slide. I'm scared of somehow getting hurt and not being able to stop. I'm scared of what I might feel. I'm scared I'll be all alone if I let Him take me there. The thought of completely losing control terrifies me.

And yet I spent most of the afternoon praying for the strength to do just that. I don't know what it means yet, and it may be quite painful.

Lord, as much as I don't want to, as much as it scares me, please give me the courage to completely let go. I will not be trapped by fear. I want to believe that I can trust you. I love you, and I deeply desire for you to be my everything.

Uptown: home sweet home

2005-09-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you never know how much you love something until it’s gone. But can you imagine how you would react if you were to get it back? That’s how I’ve been feeling these last few days.

Cincinnati is an amazing city. I love everything about it. Other cities may technically be more exciting, but not to me. I almost cried when I came down that hill and caught that first glimpse of the downtown cityscape. Well, yesterday I had my first walk up another hill to the UC campus. When I got to the top I again wanted to cry. I love this area so much. It has become so dear to me.

Today I walked through the halls of CCM…and smiled. I went up to the practice rooms, recognizing the familiar smell of the elevators. I had my first campus gym workout, strolled by Old St. George, bought a sandwich at Clifton Natural Foods, and even visited the ghetto-Kroger. I don’t know why I resonate with this place so much.

It feels good to be home.

These past nine months were really difficult for me. Not only was I being hit with a lot of things with my family, but it was also quite a difficult time for me spiritually. I really wrestled with God during those months, and a lot of it was really painful. But I held on.

On another level it was interesting to note my actions back home--the people I sought out, the programs I joined, the things I tried to get people passionate about. I came to realize just how deeply some things are ingrained in me. I know now that no matter where I go, I will want to serve the poor. No matter where I am, I will attempt to surround myself with those who are passionate about meeting and loving people where they are. I will seek people from other cultures. All those things have nothing to do simply with where I live. They make up who I am.

I am so blessed to have that right here. I feel so lucky to be living in a house with men and women who also want to love on this area. I am inspired by their willingness to see where God can use them. I already am touched by their friendship. I love observing their individual quirks. It really is a big family here.

I have wanted to live in christian community for quite some time now. Thus far I haven’t been disappointed. To Aaron, Brooke, Lori, Kalla, Steve, Two, and Mak…thanks for inviting me into your home. I know I will learn a great deal from each one of you.

Dad, Part Two

2005-09-14T10:38:00.000-05:00

Another thing I admire about my father was his willingness years back to take a major risk.

He in many ways gave up on a chance at ‘real’ success in the name of love. Yeah, dad dropped out of college (actually beginning in pre-med) because he wanted to get married and needed to support a home. I have to wonder if I would do that. Now I am not saying I should just drop out of school, but would I give up on my own personal desires in the name of love?

At one time I would definitely have said yes. Believe it or not, I even tried it once. I actually withdrew from Interlochen, that dream high school I worked so hard to attend, and enrolled in a school back home to be with the one I loved. I tried giving up everything for him. In the end it didn’t work. I couldn’t do it, and we eventually broke up. I now know that attempt was flawed mainly because he was not the one. But it has left a mark on my heart nonetheless.

I have had different theories on the idea of love and marriage over the years since then. For a while I decided love was just too painful and messy, only causing problems. "Marriage should be about practicality," I thought. I even would have been satisfied with an arranged marriage back then. I spent another year in gueling daily gym sessions, deciding then my failings were due to physical imperfections. I did get really buff. But really in love? Not so much. Well, these last few years have consisted of me being “too busy” for love, or just plain not interested.

But the reality is that I am interested. I do care. Then why do I always seem to shy away from the subject? (Or as my mom asks, why won’t I go and talk to them? They‘re cute!)

I am just sick and tired of giving pieces of my heart away to those who really don't want it. I already regret having done that in the past. I want to save every bit I have left for that one special man. I wish everyday I could give him more, but I will not settle for less.

So yeah, you could say that I’m just not interested. But I’d say I only want the best of the best that God has for me.

I’ve worked so hard to be free of all the walls I’ve put up over the years. I know that my attempts to thwart off pain have also kept good things at bay. I hope I will again be willing to throw it all in the bag in the name of love. Maybe I will be like my dad one day….

Jesus, give me the strength and patience to wait on your best. I pray I would cherish this time I have to give all of my energy to You. Please help me during the many times when I feel weak and unlovable. Protect me from seeking a man’s attention… and especially from causing a brother to stumble. Love is what I really seek, and I know you love me far more than any man on this earth ever could hope to. I pray I would continue to trust you to help me tear down the walls of my heart.

A tribute to my dad...

2005-09-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

My father is one of the greatest people I know.

He has worked construction all his life. He does not advertise, does not put up signs outside his projects. I guess he doesn’t believe in it. He only relies on word of mouth, people telling each other. And yet his is one of the most reputable in our city. He’s had numerous opportunities to expand, overseeing several crews at once. But he likes to take part in the process. Besides, I think he enjoys the company.

Those who make up his ‘crew’ are usually the type who may not find work elsewhere. Sometimes they are just passing through, but many stick around as long as they can. I’ve gone with him as he’s bailed employees out of prison. I know he’s lost a lot of money in numerous unreturned loans, and yet still tries to make sure each has enough to provide Christmas for his family. One of his employees, Tobe, has to be over 80 by now. He hasn’t been able to work in years, but dad knows he needs to support his family. So he shows up to work every morning…gets paid same as everyone else.

I feel as if I practically grew up on the construction site. I used to spend my afternoons at whatever house was currently in process. They usually were larger than I ever could see someone needing. I played among the two-by-fours and sawdust, the smell of paint always reminding me that daddy was nearby. During breaks he would give me a tour of the site, explaining where even the extra bedroom refrigerator will be. I remember wondering why anyone would need all that extra stuff. I had all I ever wanted right there.

Dad, like any father, is far from perfect. He makes mistakes and gets angry at times. But he has always gone out of his way to help others, no matter the cost to himself.

This past weekend he drove me all the way to Cincinnati; not only forgoing his weekend plans, but also creating extra evening work hours this week. Yet he’s happy to do it. As usual he disregards the consequences to his own schedule. I don’t even think he comprehends the many lives he has touched over the years. Maybe he doesn’t realize the extent to which I am one of them. I have more pride in my father than if he were the most successful of businessmen.

One day I hope to be a little more like my dad. I hope to lead a life that touches people’s lives on a really basic level. I hope to be the type of person who meets other’s needs ahead of my own. And I hope one day I’ll get to a point where I do it without even realizing it.

If I ever do get married, dad, I hope it is to a man like you. Thank you for showing me a father who serves. I love you.

2005-09-13T11:29:00.000-05:00

The poor of Manila believe that if Jesus were alive today, he too would be a garbage scavenger.

2005-09-13T11:28:00.000-05:00

Ahh, balut...Apparently this is a delicacy in Manila. It was also on an episode of Fear Factor. Yes, the whole team had to eat this.

2005-09-13T11:18:00.000-05:00

Those with leprocy are still the outcasts in society today...